Are you listening....?

 Are you listening....?

“Are you even listening to me? I  yelled at my husband.
 “Of course!” he said, “I have been listening to you all along”. And then just to prove his point he repeated everything that I had  said to him few moments ago.

My husband has this uncanny ability to repeat everything that I say to him verbatim without batting an eyelid,  but I know from his blank expression,   that he  hasn’t understood a word of what I have been saying to him all along. I think this is one of the many  idiosyncrasies  of all male species and not just my husband.

They just don’t get it, that an  activity needs two people, who  are willing to take part  for it to happen successfully, but as the saying goes , it takes two to tango!

As I look around me, I find, that in most cases, the reverse happens.

I am going to describe here a postulated sequence of possible events.

Suppose a friend of mine  is  addressing  me. Either something real  bad has already  happened or is sure  to happen very soon in his life, and he is pretty distressed about the whole thing. And now he  has come to me simply  because he needs a shoulder to cry on. He is looking for some comfort. He definitely  doesn’t want or need my advice at that particular point in time.  If he needs one, he is surely going to ask for it sooner or later. But right now he just wants someone to share his burden. So it is now incumbent upon me to first listen to what he has to say till the end without hastily forming an opinion. And unless and until he asks for  my advice, I am not the one to offer  it to him!

But frankly speaking, this is an ideal scenario. We don’t see this happening many a time and oft. When someone comes with a problem to us, we are quick on our feet to offer a solution, which this person is certainly not looking for, at least not from us. They just need some time to figure out for themselves, what needs to be done. In the meantime, they just want our company, just someone they could lean on.
We on the other hand are quick to jump in and proffer a quick fix.

This is one giagantic faux pas we need to do away with.

Why does this even happen? 

That’s because deep  down inside most of us want the world to be a better place for our loved ones. Not only that, but deep within us there also  lies an egotistical conviction that we know so much more about life that we are in a position to give advice about anything and everything under the sun.
Our penchant for offering unsolicited advice stops us from being empathetic  listeners.
What’s empathy de facto?  And how is it different from sympathy? Because both the terms  deal with the relationship one person has to the feelings and experiences of another person.
Sympathy is feeling bad for someone else because of something that has happened to them.
Whereas empathy is the ability to understand other person’s feelings and emotions and the ability to relate to them.

We don’t want mere altruism or sympathy. We need empathy to have a better understanding of what the other person is going through!

But it’s easier said, than done. Empathetic listening requires a lot of patience and the listener needs to withhold the temptation to pass quick judgement.

In order to listen  empathetically, we need to first listen actively   to what the other person has to say, even if we  do not concur with what the person is saying.  Showing  acceptance is the key! Of course, acceptance does not  necessarily mean agreement. A simple nod or  an injecting phrase  such as "I understand" or "I see” does the trick.
It may take us a while to  adapt to these four steps of empathetic listening; namely -
* Paying full attention to the person who is speaking to us.
*Paying attention to non verbal cues like the speaker’s emotions, that are visible through his body language.
* Asking neutral but thoughtful questions from time to time.
* Keeping quiet, when it’s necessary.

If the  goal is to build successful relationships,  empathetic listening is the biggest tool to achieve that.

By Leena Sohoni